Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.
What matters is who we are, not who we beat.
Coo...coo... here comes the dove from above!
The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
I am an artist, art has no color and no sex.
Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.
It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
Israel is the Jimmy Saville of nation states.
When I was a kid, I was afraid of other kids.
I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.
I'm as crippled with doubt as the next actor.
London is a great place to be over Christmas.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play.
You come to my comedy show to be entertained.
We don't do sensible things. This is America.
We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!
We've got a name for sushi in Georgia... bait
Uncharted territory is a good place to be in.
Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.
Nothing worse than a piece of dried out fish.
Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.
My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
I am a clown, just without the painted smile.
Alcohol is like pouring smiles on your brain.
It's pretty awful being told you're a racist.
I like playing all sorts of ages and genders.
Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.
The only thing that is obscene is censorship.
Have I personally ever seen a ghost? Not one.
In the year 3000, everything will be instant.
We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.
I hate movies. They're so boring. So tedious.
God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
Frenzied activity is no gauge of spirituality
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!
I got a pain in my chest, and I can't breathe
if you make waffles, throw out the first one.
How would you like to feel the way she looks?