Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.
I don't really have a process. I just get agitated or aroused by an idea in the world, and then I want to give my rebuttal.
What I love is getting a new joke, or a premise like a sketch idea or a movie idea. That's the best feeling for a comedian.
I'm a great audience myself. I tried to keep in the background while others were on, but sometimes I'd just get hysterical.
Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
US special forces are closing in on Saddam Hussain but they're afraid to go in. He's hiding out in Tony Martin's farmhouse.
When you watch TV, I didn't know black people were that happy. I had no idea they were that happy. I'm trying to find them.
The worst drivers are women in people carriers, men in white vans and anyone in a baseball cap. That's just about everyone.
Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped.
Science would like to tell us that people laugh because of the benign violation theory, but comedy doesn't have hard rules.
People like Bill Burr and Jim Gaffigan and Zach Galifianakis and Sarah Silverman - they were all amazing and helpful to me.
Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant! Never got a dinner!
Pope John Paul II's press secretary, who said, See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back! Never got a dinner!
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.
It's no longer good enough for us to tell kids who are different that it's gonna get better. We have to make it better now.
The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend... and sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack!
Someone asked me what three things I would save if my house was on fire. I said my cat, my salamander and one of the twins.
Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work that was done this year . . . by cosmetic surgeons.
A world without any lies at all is not a good world, because it's artless and because there are no white lies, no flattery.
I like flying to New York from London. It's like a day off for me. No phone or e-mails. Food, wine, iPod, movies, snoozing.
I would love to do more on the stage; having actual contact with the audience is great. You can give them a good seeing to!
People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.
When I was 15, if Stephen Fry had advised me to trim my eyebrows with a Flymo, I would have given it serious consideration.
I'm a huge, huge fan of Chris Morris. I think he's a genius, and it is not a word I use very often. I think he's fantastic.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
I love team sports - they give me something to focus on rather than the fact that I can't breathe or my muscles are aching.
The worst thing that can happen for people who don't want women to be strong is that we help each other and become a force.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
It's nice to win an award, I would assume. I've never won one, but I would imagine it's great. I have no idea what I'll do.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.
So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.
We never hid anything from the kids. I feel whole again, I really do. I've told them, 'Mommy's boo-boo is much better now.'
When you look at someone like Sacha Baron Cohen, you have to really respect the boundaries he is pushing as Bruno or Borat.
Over the years, I've learned that a sense of humor is the only skill that allows you to turn sucking at life into a career.
You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.
When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
I used to fantasise about being able to stay up all night; now I fantasise about how early I can go to bed. Tragic isn't it?
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.
I am so pro-swine flu... I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.