Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
That's what I do in my stand-up. I work hard and hone the material and after a while audiences expect what I do to be good.
It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them.
It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.
In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.
Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me, they are the role model for being alive.
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
There is no way in my right mind I would contemplate running 26 miles-plus unless it involved a chase with Pamela Anderson.
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.
Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?
To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!
So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh - meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?"
You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.
You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, Hey! or How Y'all Doin'?
I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.
I don't care what I do - act, stand-up, write, direct - it doesn't matter as long as I'm being creative and it's good work.
A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word 'poo.' You can't beat a good poo joke.
I learned from my dad that when you walk in front of an audience, they are the kings and queens, and you're but the jester.
I say to everybody, love is what wakes you up in the morning, love is what makes you walk, and love is what makes you hope.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.
The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not.
I'm officially middle-aged. I don't need drugs anymore, thank God. I can get the same effect just by standing up real fast.
For many comedians, two common anxiety triggers include performing in front of family members and doing brand new material.
I consider a CD or a comedy collection as a record of what I've been doing, and I try to wrap it up and start new material.
New York is a place that can grind you down and spit you out. A true New Yorker doesn't get ground down - he gets polished.
It's really not enough to just have black women. A really good idea could be to comment on how they are treated by society.
I'm not a comedian. And I'm not sick. The world is sick, and I'm the doctor. I'm a surgeon with a scalpel for false values.
By some fluke, my folks forgot to ask me the question most crucial to ensuring a lifetime of self-doubt: 'What if you fail?
I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.
In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.
I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.
I'm sad to see the passing of the great drug warriors. I certainly did my part in that battle and I don't regret any of it.
I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.
Milk which is just about to turn is akin to that moment spent on the cusp of failure in a dulled and fettered relationship.
Separation is the worst. There's no good way to deal with it, other than to get on the phone and do Skype and try to visit.
I am certainly more interested in interviewing than being interviewed. Sometimes you find yourself attacked from the start.
I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.