Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My wife's father said if you marry my daughter I'll give you three acres and a cow. I'm still waiting for the three acres.
I'll never admit that I'm an actor, because the next horrible follow-up question is always, "Oh, what have I seen you in?"
I'm writing a memoir. I'm four pages in. I start with my first memory, which is kicking my uncle in the balls. I was four.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
I sometimes think of not doing Twitter or Facebook anymore, but that's how people find their favorite bands and comedians.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Comedians have to challenge the power. Comedians should be dangerous and devastating - and funny. That's the hardest part.
When you're in a friend circle, you all kind of talk the same way. And it's hard to do on-the-fly radio edits of yourself.
There's something about political comedy that sometimes closes people off, and my general goal is to open people right up.
In comedy, you see yourself as a newcomer and then you realize you've been doing it for 18, 20 years, which is ridiculous.
In television, there are so many things between you making a joke and the audience seeing it. It's like an assault course.
I will not claim I will solve all the world's problems by myself. If I did, I'd have to run as a Republican or a Democrat.
I consider myself a Jewish writer, like all my heroes: Tom Stoppard, David Mamet, Philip Roth, Arthur Miller, Woody Allen.
I'm used to living alone, and I like it that way. You become so selfish living alone...I'd make a terrible husband anyway.
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
I always wanted to do something about what it's like to get divorced, especially when it's a young marriage to start with.
In L.A., fat people are mythical. We're like Big Foot. 'Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who's fat.' Nobody's fat in L.A.
The overwhelming majority of my material has very little to do with my weight. It's certainly not the crux of my material.
I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.
I feel that a lot of British comedy is often too bombastic, too obvious, dressing up and shouting and pulling funny faces.
To be fair to David Brent, he wants to be famous for doing something, for being a musician, but he's just not good enough.
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.
You can't just try to be a performer. It's in your DNA. I really believe that it's either what you are or it's not at all.
Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.
I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever was.
You can't reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height.
I would have loved to have been science-minded enough to be in the caring profession - either as a doctor or nurse or vet.
I've learnt how to develop routines. To play with each bit. To enjoy expanding on it. To get used to the stage being mine.
It's a constant process of bouncing ideas off of one another and intuitively arriving at the right decision in the moment.
Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.
When you smoke marijuana, you are in the moment and you are happy. You forget about any worries of the past or the future.
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
If there were ever two sentences that you will not respond well to, 'Don't move. There's a snake behind your foot,' is it.
In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.
I'm able to come and do a new sound and grow even more and make greater songs because my song-making abilities have grown.
I know the nature of comedy, and you never know what will happen with the next movie or whether people will find it funny.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.
Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.
I might do cartoonish sexual jokes, but it's my way of saying what's going on in the world. How people are animals, really.
My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
A lot of times you go to a concert, and when you leave, you don't know anything more about the act then when you got there.