Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Challenge yourself with something you know you could never do, and what you'll find is that you can overcome anything son.
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
When did you ever hear of a child not in need? 'Oh that's enough jam tart for me, I'll just go now and clean the toilets.'
I've lived in the UK for longer than I lived in Ireland. I'm not worried about myself, but it's ridiculous for youngsters.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
I'd love to have Michael Jackson [in my show] because he's black and white. So he would appeal to a universal demographic.
Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.
I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
I'm excited about Thanksgiving. It's my favorite holiday. It's the feast of a thousand senses, so just eat, eat, eat, eat.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
I'm not actually posh; I'm really rough and from the wrong side of the tracks. I grew up in Putney, which is pretty rough.
Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political.
As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It's about gasoline.
Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.
You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
You might be a redneck if you entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings.
I don't know if I don't believe in monogamy. I think I do believe in it depending on the person or situation or something.
I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write.
I'm a Frisbeetarian. We worship frisbees. We believe when you die your soul goes up on the roof and you can't get it down.
Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.
It's a very lovely reputation to have - being a kind person. I try to live up to the fact that people think that about me.
I always tried to fit in, so I was a cheerleader with the orange skin and white-blonde hair, and Hooters was part of that.
New York is a place that can grind you down and spit you out. A true New Yorker doesn't get ground down, he gets polished.
Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.
When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.
I have a very primitive sense that if I just turn on a radio or the television, that somebody's playing that stuff for me.
I have a box of awards in the closet. I think it is weird to put them out. I might if I had an Emmy or Oscar, but I don't.
I think I appeal to people who are living in the margins because of their identity and who need to feel freedom somewhere.
Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!
The self-righteous have their fig leaves so tightly bound that they have forgotten the seeping wounds beneath the foliage.