Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Just when my biological clock started ticking, I found out it was going to be virtually impossible. And it was very hard.
I'm a passionate person; there's a lot going on underneath my carousel of blazers: a cauldron of sensitivity and emotion.
I had an operation on my cornea when I was little, and remember being deeply enamoured with the team who looked after me.
My father told me marijuana would cause me brain damage - because if he caught me doing it he was going to break my head.
I really love what [Donald] Trump is doing. He is doing a great job of exposing the republicans for what they really are.
Now everyone has eyes, and now everyone has evidence. That's really changed how we tell the news and what we get from it.
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.
If you can handle the fact that people are going to be mad at you when you do what you think is right, you'll be alright.
California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.
The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.
I did six series for the BBC and that was enough. I've been writing for ten years, which is more challenging artistically.
In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.
If you want to be happy for a short time, get drunk happy for a long time, fall in love; happy forever, take up gardening.
Sometimes it's good to do something that you've never done before, so yesterday, I went out to buy Elton John's new album.
One time, I was really close to Steve Martin. I was too afraid to actually go talk to him, but I'll count that as meeting.
I've always loved science, but I was never going to make much of a contribution. I'm better off having science as a hobby.
For me, one of the things art has to examine is how to live your life, and unless it's doing that, it doesn't work for me.
I've got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you're 71 years old. People just think I'm a silly old fool.
If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober.
Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job...Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us.
God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.
Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.
I've had good times on drugs...bad times on drugs...But I've had good and bad relationships...and I'm not giving up pussy.
The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality.
If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.
Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.
There is no way I will survive Mike Pence doing Carpool Karaoke. What song's he gonna sing? 'I Deported Your Grandmother?'
We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.
There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "
I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them
My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.
Now I've literally become neighborhood watch. I call 911 on people. I'm the old man driving 25-miles-per-hour down Sunset.
I just don't get if you have ever gotten offended by a joke, why would you go to a comedy club? That's where jokes happen.
Yeah, people do need to realize that just because they've seen me perform for an hour does not mean that we are now close.
Now, I've gotten to the point in my career, I'm 13 years in, to where I know that I'm funny. I know that I'm good at this.
I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.
There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'
The nerdist movement is less about consumers; there is a large contingent that are creative nerdists instead of consumers.
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
I got rid of my teeth at a young age because I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get them.
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.