Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm not a Rachel Dolezal. I don't fake tan; I don't have the cornrows, I don't misappropriate. I just want to be Beyonce.
My life is so much better with lupus because I know that stress and too much junk food will literally put me in hospital.
That is the job of a comedian: To take unpleasant subject matter and forcibly, with his hands, wring the funny out of it.
I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.
How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
You can't open anything after your 50. You have to wait 'til people stop by the house. 'Oh my God, I'm glad you're here.'
Everybody wanted to make it. One guy makes it. In a family when one guy makes it... 'Hey ain't you going to help us out?'
Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.
I feel like a big trend is just to model your success off someone else and I don't think that ever works in the long run.
I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because that's been said to me.
I'm aware that, if you feel down, it can be strangely unrelated to circumstances around you. That's just the way life is.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
You're supposed to not like the 'Austin Powers' movies because people ruin the catchphrases. 'Austin Powers' is so funny.
My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
I have a very tiny house in Burbank. I drive an 8-year-old car. I'm gonna drive it into the ground. I enjoy what I enjoy.
Every week I have a disaster in my kitchen. The fire alarm goes off repeatedly. But it doesn't stop me being adventurous.
I was raised evangelical, so if you want to get offended, let's get offended. I have a master's degree in being offended.
I don't go to comedy clubs unless I'm working. And when I do work, I come in, I do my time and I leave. I don't hang out.
When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!
Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!
Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact. Never got a dinner!
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
Some people have an inner child that speaks to them. I have an inner old man who just yells random [stuff] at me all day.
Normally, I'm good at first dates, 'cause that's the only date I ever have, so I know how to control it and be confident.
I keep hearing in my head "you are the Messiah, you are the Messiah." I think there's something wrong with my headphones.
Because I don't wear a suit, and have such a horrible boy band face, people assume that I'm not doing satirical material.
If you're doing 70 gigs in a tour, there's a lot of responsibility. People need a big night out, and you're providing it.
Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.
I'm very much an optimist. I don't think I could do my work if I didn't believe there was some kind of hope for humanity.
I work under the assumption that, generally speaking, my taste and the taste of the Oscar voters are not one in the same.
My priority is my son and my husband, and I have a lot of spinning plates, so I try to make sure they're not one of them.
For me, and for many other people with disabilities, our status as disabled people is one of which we are fiercely proud.
...as absurd and dishonest as claiming that the trouble with computer games is that they stop people watching television.
There is simply no limit to the tyrannical snobbery that otherwise decent people can descend into when it comes to music.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.
For me, a great meal is a collision of company, environment, ambient temperature, the waiters, where you are emotionally.
I've hated myself since I knew my own name. But 'Bake Off' has simply confirmed to me what a bottom-feeding halfwit I am.