Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.
I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.
I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.
I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.
Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?
When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, 'I've been gypped,' or, 'He welshed on the deal.'
I would describe myself as a guy that's very normal but has the tendency to rib people, but never in a mean-spirited way.
When it comes right down to it, someone else may be signing your paycheck but you are the person who fills in the amount.
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'
I didn't see deep emotion from my parents. It was all very polite and very surface. I never knew how anybody was feeling.
When I was 23 I started writing for I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again and was paid three guineas for every minute's airtime.
I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?
Barack Obama says that we need to be humble toward terrorism. Yet he is the one we have been waiting for. That is humble?
Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.
Growing up, I loved Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart. They are a big reason I'm a storyteller because they are two of the best.
Always be nice to the front desk staff because they can choose to make your life a living hell, and they'll remember you.
I have the comedic chops and intelligence to raise points and discuss both sides of whatever is on our mind as a society.
Comedy and tragedy are two sides of the same coin. A talent in one area might also lead to a predisposition in the other.
I love mixing with comedians when I'm working with them, but when I'm not I don't feel the need to hang around with them.
If you aren't overly effusive or really nicey-nice with the press, you get a reputation for being outspoken or difficult.
Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.
I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.
(Gray) Davis said yesterday that he is going to fight like a Bengal tiger, which I believe is also an endangered species.
You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
I did buy a new piece of furniture so it's like, "Oh, that's something new." But generally my goals are made in the fall.
Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.
So many features at Sundance seemed to be powered more on the director's need to be a director than any particular story.
I love everything about Boston. The women are phenomenal, they're all dirty. It's just a really great place to do comedy.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.
I've learnt that from stand-up - you should always worry that it's going to go badly, otherwise you're too laissez faire.