Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, "This is the best way for people to find out about me.
I believe when you go out there, you have a responsibility to deliver. I have old-fashioned thinking when I'm out there.
When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!
I don't court haters. I don't thrive on people not liking things that I do. I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My theory on politics is no one really knows how it works, so I choose not to comment on stuff too outside of my league.
Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.
I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.
The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.
Everyone always comes to one point in their life as an artist where you can either let your heart guide you or your ego.
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.
I've become less angry and a little more humble by age and by experience and by going through the ups and downs of life.
Americans don't understand irony? I am an intelligent person living in the United States. My entire existence is ironic.
My attitude toward peace does not depend on which war we are discussing. I think that words should do the work of bombs.
I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.
I love people and entertaining. The fact I can still do it, and it's with my wife is phenomenal. I wanna reach 95 years!
I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.
Make eye contact with cute strangers. Give guys your email. Email is safer than a number, or at least it feels that way.
All my relatives and friends have been pretty aware of my brand of humor for a while, so none of them have been shocked.
Humor is based on the way a man looks at life's ironies, and being a member of a minority group can certainly be ironic.
I could get an audience into my world and if you can do that, they'll go with you not all the way, but a lot of the way.
There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.
If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.
I'm the only person who's ever opened the Oscars or done a spot on the Oscars without a script and having it on autocue.
I think 'everything sucks' is too often leaned upon as a comedic stance. It's a really easy and pretty weak perspective.
It's about self-sacrifice. Since having children, I've worked, but I've maintained the balance of being at home as well.
Michelangelo's girlfriend, who said to Angelo, Forget the paint - let's put a mirror on the ceiling. Never got a dinner!
Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!
Whether I go to English-speaking countries or non-English-speaking countries I can just modulate to what works for them.
FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.
It's better to create something that others criticise than to create nothing and criticise others. Go create, have fun!!
I always chose all my friends on whether they were funny. What's a better way to pass the time than laughing or smiling?
I could always take a joke. I could always be the butt of the joke. I could always hand it out. That was just who I was.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
I don't do much to keep in trim - I try to walk places instead of driving whenever I can, but I really ought to do more.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
I think my comedy is about finding the good in bad situations - finding the joy. Why be angry? It doesn't help anything.
I think there's no way they should have to teach [math] now. We have computers. We no longer need to know why 3x = 2y/4.
As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion
My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents.
Question Time' is a nice forum for reasoned political debate. There's no point having me on there trying to crack jokes.