Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
Africa is God's country, and He can have it.
Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.
I'm a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.
Every guy should own one good pair of jeans.
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
I'm always on the verge of death in my head.
Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.
It's always bad news when you kill your date
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.
I'm a freak for great movies. I love movies.
My new years resolution? I will be less laz.
I come from a very big family. Nine parents.
If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
I can't relax. I find vacations problematic.
Fame is like a tree. It helps you get pussy.
I think Australians like a bit of vulgarity.
Communism is just one big telephone company.
The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.
We all think we're going to get out of debt.
Hopefully standup will become special again.
Take the back roads instead of the highways.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
The Oscars are not something I watch anyway.
The bravest thing that men do is love women.
Comedy is based partly on mean-spiritedness.
I've never been to Hawaii. It looks amazing.
Few people love with the violence they hate.
When I couldn't write, I felt like a zombie.
If I'm not working, I don't know what to do.
Michigan... it's a great state... somewhere.
Who you gonna believe-me or your lying eyes?
I think our elderly are forgotten sometimes.
I want people to feel good about themselves.
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
I am too busy thinking about killing myself.
Nothing is taboo if you have an angle on it.
Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews.
What are the chances there is a God, really?
My parents were marvelously educated people.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.