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Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.
I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.
You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
On tour, its either call ex-boyfriends or tweet a lot. Youre just looking for any proof that youre not completely alone.
The idea of trying to write sketches the same way we did on Saturday Night Live every day would be damn near impossible.
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.
I see guys who can't make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.
I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.
You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.
When you grow up poor, you have to either work really hard to try and get where you want to be, or you'll just stay put.
I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
Tiger Woods is stupid; not for cheating, but for having one cell phone. What type of player you know has one cell phone?
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
Usually, I wear tennis shoes because my feet are flat, and it hurts to wear anything other than shoes that are cushiony.
That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
I feel that everything I do in my life I can do in a shorter time than most men can. It's the quality, not the quantity.
One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
Heroin, forget it. In my neighborhood, I could see what heroin did firsthand and I was definitely afraid of that number.
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.
I remember 'Def Comedy Jam' being a big deal and kids talking about it in school, but it was never, 'I want to do that.'
I didn't get an agent until after 'Last Comic Standing' - of course, getting on a show like that will get you attention.
Whenever I play Las Vegas, they always give you a suite, and it's really nice, and it always comes with a large bathtub.
My hair is just like five pieces of very soft straw that needs managing. I touch my hair a lot, and that makes it crazy.
I was on various anti-depressants, but not for long - I didn't function very well on them. I felt sort of flattened out.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.
Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.
When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'
Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.