Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of day with some purchased relief.
I'm famous now. But now that I've got fame and some of the other things I thought would make me happy - it ain't worked
I think you just have to be comfortable in your own skin, and when I do stand-up or the show I'm in a really good mood.
I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
Anyone can go out on stage and start beating people over the head with rubber chickens. That'll get people's attention.
In the late '60s and '70s, when feminism was on the up sweep, there was an awareness of things that we're losing again.
I'm not wanting and I don't live in a hovel, but if you keep your costs low, you can do what you want to do creatively.
I'm not into the Oscar and Emmys as much as I used to be because I'm tired of looking at people who don't look like me.
By far, the most disabling thing in my life is the physical environment. It dictates what I can and can't do every day.
Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business - which at least does us all some good.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Sometimes crowds start out not liking someone but then they shift and love them. Or vice versa. It can shift on a dime.
I saw 'The Wild Duck' at the Belvoir St. Theatre in Sydney, and it was one of the best pieces of theatre I'd ever seen.
Comedy is a great tool. We [comics] are trying to find ways to use humor to enlighten people without preaching to them.
If you look at it, the history of comedy has always been strongest among the nations who have been persecuted the most.
I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are.
I've always had, when I needed it, an extreme amount of focus that I could put into something. That has served me well.
We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.
There's no replacement for having a burning desire to talk about something: 'I know this and other people need to know!'
I wanted to go to grad school in philosophy... Nobody was like, 'You should!' You know, they were all like, 'you could?'
I've been getting in trouble my whole life and I really don't care what anybody thinks of what I do on stage as a comic.
Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.
There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.
The first night you walk down to a comedy club, at least for me, I had my voice, and then I went on stage and I lost it.
If I use the word romance, whether it's my wife or not, it does not mean sex. We can use the word sex when sex is there.
One key to successful relationships is learning to say "no" without guilt, so that you can say "yes" without resentment.
Nothing is meaningless it's how we assign meaning to the past that determines how we experience the present, and future.
A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross?
I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.
I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.
What before seemed a...frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.
....All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I'll be here all week.
So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever.
People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They're DEFINITELY GAY!!
Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.
There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
My father and I were really like a team. I mean, he was very supportive. He'd come to every single one of my live shows.
I did see one Tyler Perry movie in the theater. My friends and I went to see, I believe it was, 'Why Did I Get Married?'
A photographer kept shooting me every time I swung. I was very flattered until I found out he was from Field and Stream.
I was so depressed for so many years over trying to become a working comedian that my sense of self-worth would plummet.