Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.
"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
You might be a redneck if your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
Directing is really my favorite thing to do, but if I never directed again, I'd be okay if all the work I did was good.
I'm very jealous of my daughter's education. She's been inspired by her teachers, and nobody inspired me as a teenager.
Apparently, some physicists argue that time is curved. I suppose this means that the past is in some way still present.
I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.
If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.
When we have an item that has value to the school and the athletic department, we cannot throw it away just to be fair.
Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.
I'm all about the slapstick, generally. If you fell off it, into it, or through it, I'm probably nearby wetting myself.
I, as you may know, am no stranger to the organic courgette, but I still cannot work out who these gay footballers are.
The Administration's policy on women is often hard to see because it is written in the font size of pharmaceutical ads.
Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!
I used to tell people I was a comic and they'd be fascinated. Now all you get is: 'Oh yeah, my cousin Steve's a comic.'
Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.
That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
I dropped out of college and I'm pretty much a self-educated person, so a lot of my core belief system comes from life.
The political satirist usually votes against their own interests, but the bottom line is that it doesn't really matter.
I was 10th of 11 kids in an alcoholic, abusive, poor family. We all want things that we can't have. And I found comedy.
I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.
Humanity is a natural foil for inhumanity, and humanity is what will ultimately keep us going when all else has failed.
All the songs on Yankee Hotel Foxtrot are the encapsulation of heterosexual love. I have different records for gay sex.
I've sold shows based on my standup twice to CBS, but they've never gone past the script stage. TV is very competitive.
I would love to go to Iran. The island of Madagascar, everyone says is pretty exotic, or the wonderful Namibian desert.
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.
I agree that someone falling down is really funny, and I can go on YouTube and watch people falling. It makes me laugh.
A lot of the time, people think I'm really dumb or really uncomfortable talking to them, which is kind of a real thing.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles.
If I get anything out, producing anything, no matter whether it's good or not, I allow myself a little pat on the back.
Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.
When you're a kid, all you really care about are Slurpees and Slip N Slide and riding your bike, and that's what I did.
I think as a standup performer you have to feel the audience. So the audience kind of dictates what they get, you know?
In my 30s, it wasn't cool to like Pauly Shore movies. It was cool to like them when they came out, then it wasn't cool.
The perception of fat people in America is that they're fat, therefore they're dumb, they're lazy, and they must stink.
The most interesting part of filming is what the actors do. That's the primary link between the story and the audience.
I expected Dracula to come jumping out any second. If he did I'd have held up a cross, cause he's allergic to bullshit.
Being honest is what counts. To make the ordinary extraordinary is so much better than starting with the extraordinary.
I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.
Elderly people, I have found, when they're being honest, are also scumbags, and enjoy a little prurient humour as well.