Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I understand we're on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at 'Second World' before we get there?
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
With 'Words, Words, Words,' that show was me experimenting with something, and then there was a clear direction for me.
I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?
Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.
The United States of America on our worst day is better than any other country on their best day. Period. End of story.
You know, if you're lucky enough to have two smash hit shows, the traffic of the world goes through your dressing room.
I'm sorry I didn't have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I'm not participating anymore.
When I lived in Paris in the early '80s, I had the occasion to hang out with Prince Albert of Monaco quite a few times.
Just about every Latin American country has sent players to the big leagues, from the Dominican Republic to Costa Rica.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
Comedy [deals] with a lot of the same areas where our defenses are the strongest - race, religion, politics, sexuality.
I've met big-name actors doing Hollywood films, and they've said that all they want is an in at HBO and their own show.
Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!
When people try to read between the lines - critics, they have a job. Their job is to make something bigger than it is.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.
I know, logically, about the fact that there are fans of my work in America, but it's hard for that feeling to sink in.
I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.
Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.
Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.
My father wasn't much for show business. He was an insurance man - very well-liked, very warm. He had a lot of friends.
I had a dream this girl was cheating on me! I woke up and went back to sleep to find him, he kicked my ass in my dream!
In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'
If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals.
Most drag impersonations are a drag. But women can like Geraldine, men can like Geraldine, everyone can like Geraldine.
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body
Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.
David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I'm never lonely.
The joy of the roasts is to watch people get hurt and offended, and then have to laugh to pretend they're a good sport.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I'm not like a super duper sneaker head. I got a couple pairs, but I'm not a "stand in line for sneakers" type of dude.
I think it's a tough transition. It's easy to go from comedian to rapper, but to go from rapper to comedian is tougher.
If I've inadvertently become some sort of role model for failed comedians, then it's really backfired very badly on me.
Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject.