Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Essentially a joke is creating an idea, whether sonic or visual, whether it's something musical or a traditional joke.
Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.
I don't want them hip white people coming up to me and calling me no n - - or telling me n - - jokes. I don't like it.
Comedy is a medicine - a healing process that can help people get through difficult times and understand things better
Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.
I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.'
I act irrationally, I defy the odds, I engage when others would run. I look for trouble, I seek chaos, it is a burden.
We are losing the democracy that we're trying to sell in the Mideast and everywhere else right here in our own nation.
The only Revolution that can really change the world is the one in your own consciousness, and mine has already begun.
Question all information when you receive it. You might not even trust me Look at me, I've got a blanket over me head.
I always found it strange, when I went round to other people's houses for tea and that, how strict their parents were.
Ive never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.
I would never wanna do a show that's strictly maudlin and invaded my personal life and my home. I would never do that.
I am still comfortable with my body, because I'm like, What's not to be comfortable with? I mean, it's just my nature.
I didn't feel so different until maybe, like, around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus.
Most people I work with are older than me and the main thing I've learnt is that everyone is a dumb as an 18-year-old.
Are we gonna just make movies about trying to get laid over and over again or focus on something that's more relevant?
My parents didn't know what to do with me, so they just pretended I was normal, and that worked out quite well for me.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
I'm not against embracing my femininity, but I've never bought into the idea that you have to wear a dress to do that.
I think there's a fine, healthy tradition of, you know, the people on the fringes satirizing the process of Hollywood.
Science adjusts its views based on what's observed Faith is the denial of observation so that belief can be preserved.
You do get a bit paranoid that you're becoming a sort of narcissist, an artistic solipsist when you're doing stand-up.
Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living.
If we exchange bombs for bread there will be less reason for wanting to kill us. I just want to have the conversation.
Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny.
My voice is distinctive: there's a rhythm to it, and also, it's funny. I was just blessed with a funny-sounding voice.
I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.
People ask me if they can send me material, and some people give or send it to me unsolicited, but I rarely buy jokes.
We're here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.
The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
I don't really move onstage; all I do is just gradually hunch more and more and jut out at the people in the front row.
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
When I was growing up, you never knew whether people were being serious or not. There was a lot of nodding and winking.
The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
I can't quite remember who I voted for president. It wasn't Trump or Hillary, though. I didn't like either one of them.
In our lives, we can either be a reflection of the world around us . . . or a beam that enlightens the lives of others.
Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.
We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.
It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet.
Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.