Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.
Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
TV—a clever contraction, derived from the words Terrible Vaudeville. We call it a medium, because nothing's well done.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
And people are intrigued if I really am as grumpy in real life. People feel a bit let down if I'm laughing or smiling.
A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don`t like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.
Irrational crushes, infatuations, or obsessions. Whatever you want to label it, it's important to reach out to others.
I learned a lot about human nature. So much, in fact, that human nature will be my specialist subject on 'Mastermind'.
When they said "Make love, not war" at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other.
The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt.
The car was the iPhone of the 20th century. Kids these days don't have to drive anymore. They just go there virtually.
You might be a redneck if you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
You might be a redneck if someone tells you you have something in your teeth, and you take them out to see what it is.
You may be a redneck if . . . you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You might be a redneck if you consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
I think I say things nicely and my whole goal is to be understood and that includes by people who don't understand me.
I did want a boy child because I had this romantic idea that a boy child when he's 16 takes his mother out for dinner.
I've got this horrible feeling that I'm one of those people who'll always have to flog their guts out to get anywhere.
Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.
For a comic to put a public performance in jeopardy for a snickering little laugh - no, no, no, I don't believe in it.
What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.
You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.
If I make a dollar and out of every dollar I’m taxed at 50, half, at 50 cents, I have to give, isn’t that like enough?
If I make a dollar and out of every dollar I'm taxed at 50, half, at 50 cents, I have to give, isn't that like enough?
I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
Buying my wife a gun sort of like me saying, ' You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise'.
I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being.
Everything about starting out in comedy is pride-swallowing, from handing out fliers to bombing in front of audiences.
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
I'd rather do smaller theaters, because it's more fun for the audience and more fun for me. I like to build up demand.
Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.
I don't try to be likeable. The worst thing people do is present versions of themselves to the world that aren't real.
If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.
If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh.
I could probably make another series of 'Phoenix Nights' or 'Max And Paddy,' but that would just feel like a safe bet.
I don't do that much telly because I want quality, not quantity - you've got to be happy with what you're putting out.