Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I go back to L.A. as often as I can, and even if I'm there on business, I always add on a few extra days for pleasure.
I'm single. I don't have a family. I certainly don't have to work. I don't want to be the richest man in the cemetery.
I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating - just a delight to be around.
It's a blue-collar city [Manchester] that's transitioning into a white collar place and people are getting priced out.
The first-born in every family is always dreaming for an imaginary older brother or sister who will look out for them.
When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing ... will win arguments and straighten people out.
I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they wanted someone to watch their other children.
I think 'I Spy,' still when you look at it, speaks volumes in terms of propaganda for equality. It's just magnificent.
When we engage people positively, we create a receptive platform for the ideas and information we wish to communicate.
Realistic optimism allows us to experience the best until we have to deal with the worst ... which often, never comes.
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.
It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones.
Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve.
'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.
Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.
Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.
Probably the most common question I get is, 'Who's your dream guest?' That's kind of annoying because there isn't one.
I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went.
Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.
Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.
I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.
I grew up poor. The fact that I had to struggle to succeed, that wasn't a big deal to me. I'd struggled my whole life.
If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.
If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back.
Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.
Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was being a teenager... Boy, was I wrong!
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
We must come to the point where we realize the concept of race is a false one. There is only one race, the human race.
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.
Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.
America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.
Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That's where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals.
Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
I've been on a state of high alert since high school. I didn't need 9/11 to remind me that we live on a ball of flame.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?
Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)