Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
Honey, that Totie Fields is one well-fed white woman. When that gal sits around the house, she sits around the house!
My boyfriend and I have finally learned how to embrace confrontation as something that will only help us as a couple.
Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast.
I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.
I always liked dressing up. I think, because I always liked performing, I always liked costumes and things like that.
I enjoy being part of the entertainment industry, although I'm the laziest person that I've met yet in this business.
Women are my best friends, my best audience. If I look out from the stage and see a lot of men, I know I'm in trouble
I was one of the first veejays to take the camera out on location, and that's what was unique about MTV at that time.
Joy is in learning to say yes to what is and to surrender into flow with what is, even when it's what you don't want.
You can't not do stand-up for seven years and then not expect anyone else to come along. That's life, things move on.
It's lonely being stuck in a hotel in London for two nights. Even a couple of nights away from the children is awful.
Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!
Stan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!
Every joke is either taken by ads or The Simpsons. It's all about being able to get your ideas out into the universe.
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.
Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
I was 29 and I really fell in love, I think, for the first time. I was vulnerable in a way I didn't think I could be.
Since Steve Jobs died I cannot bear to see anyone use an iPhone irreverently, what I did was a tribute to his memory.
I'm trying to write a film with my friend. I'd love to get the thrill of speaking actors making my work even funnier.
Just because I do a few comedy bits about gay people, that does not mean I'm out there promoting some anti-gay cause.
My head is in India, yet my body remains in Britain. I straddle the world like a colossus. Like a 5ft. 7in. colossus.
I've discovered that every time I've reached a milestone I think I'm there, but there's another there waiting for me.
The reason the rest of us remember, like, when John Lennon died, is because it's a moment when adrenaline is surging.
My mother is a Muslim - she walks five steps behind my father. She doesn't have to. He just looks better from behind.
Write yourself a permission slip to be surprised by someone's potential. Who knows? One day that person could be you.
The most important philosophy I think is that even if it isn't true you must absolutely assume there is no afterlife.
...the reality of intelligent British speech... uses blasphemus, coital and cloacal expletives as a matter of course.
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
I think what I do is borderline art. Most people who do borderline art have to have other jobs, so I'm very grateful.
I ended up in TV because I have no ability to do anything else. I have an agent who tells me where I have to be when.
I've noticed the people most uptight about smokers and drinkers don't really have a problem with gluttony and gossip.
I see myself as an utterly unchanged Perth dude who likes sport as much as I like music and who just likes my family.
I want to be in a position where I get to start off fresh. I don't have any preconceived notion of how I should feel.
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
I love the food, the girls, the sky and everything that is Delhi. I have very fond memories of the Moolchand flyover.
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?
Call yourself and define your relationship to your chair the way you want to, or your disability the way you want to.
For me, cerebral palsy wasn't the biggest deal, because I always had it. You know, you always work with what you got.
Actually I don't mind the gym when I get there, but I hate the psychological battle I have to go through to get there.
I get frustrated with films that entertain me but ultimately dodge a moral question about how you should try and live.