Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I've grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.
If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Executives do not on the whole do well with comedy. They can't understand it, they can't read it, they can't spot it.
I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Remember, taboos are just a map of what a society feels it's acceptable to be neurotic about. Taboos aren't rational.
There are a lot of problems with democracy. We need to think about how to find the people most qualified for the job.
If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
The women who are pool waitresses are another worldly species. They're half-desert lizards. They never have sunburns.
People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring... soon after... comes Suffer...ring!
The Flinstones wore furs, they ate red meat, and had a stoneage philosophy. In fact, they were the first Republicans.
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.
I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid.
(The Nutty Professor) was a labor of love. It was a total film. It was the most productive, creative work of my life.
I'm always thinking about future projects and at the same time trying to finish the project you're in the middle off.
Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
There are a lot of men with feminine leadership styles and there are a lot of women with masculine leadership styles.
I noticed that people were craving a way of reinterpreting tradition and of being Jewish without joining a synagogue.
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.
Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
I always excelled in sports, so I knew I had advantages there. That really gave me, like, confidence and self-esteem.
When I started 'The Soup' back in 2004, I was so anxious because I can't really read, and I had to read teleprompter.
When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.
When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.
To say I wasn't such a hit with the ladies would be a very kind way of putting it. I was a slow burner, shall we say.
In reality, as a comedian, you're successful because you're funny, and you should be able to be funny about anything.
The sterile, arid environment created by truly jarring and discordant signage and gargantuan billboards is a turnoff.
A vest, as a clothing item, always makes a statement, but depending on context, those declarations vary a great deal.
What I've learnt from 'Friends' is don't let the characters get together because then it won't be as good afterwards.
However light-hearted you try to be about it, the loss of youth, and everything that goes with it, is quite a trauma.
Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.
I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.
Sexual fulfillment goals, to make them happen, you have to work on them as a project. I don't think it's a bad thing.
I am restless. I don't mind leaving this comfortable, static life. I could live a year on my own in a remote village.
That's the thing that most people don't realize. In real life, comedians aren't funny. They save it. They save it up.
You can't go to medical school and come out and be like, 'I'm going to be a dog catcher.' That would be so pointless.