Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
When you hear that you're going to be working with a first-time director, sometimes that can be a concern to people.
Balance is so important in our lives. In our busy world, we can give ourselves balance between thinking and feeling.
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
Fingerprint matching is - you know the whole thing about how no two fingerprints are alike? That's not strictly true.
That's another piece of advice: Don't go to college; follow your dreams. Unless you're a doctor - then go to college.
I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
From 1987 to 1992, I was on the road for 40 weeks a year playing comedy clubs, and that was during the 'comedy boom.'
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
About every four years, someone says to me, "I've got a friend who looks exactly like you." What can you say to this?
Plenty of black people that I know have been on 'SNL,' and they haven't been utilized to the best of their abilities.
I think gaming has influenced popular culture in a huge way. It's worked its way into novels, and blockbuster movies.
I was always part of the end-of-term review at school. We would mercilessly mock any slight weakness in the teachers.
I don't have a clue about the way to achievement, however the way to disappointment is attempting to please everyone.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.
I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.
Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.
There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
I think 'Billy on the Street' is a big show, but why do a show if you won't make it original and unique and powerful?
It's always really funny to watch someone who really wants something who isn't getting it but who's desperate for it.
I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.
I was genuinely starstruck when I met Kermit the Frog. Like many stars here tonight, he's a lot shorter in real life.
Technology... is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other.
There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
I spent a lot of time bowling as a kid, mostly because I grew up in bowling alleys. They were kind of my playgrounds.
Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?
Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.
Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
Parodies of commercials are by no means new and have been popular going back to black-and-white TV shows of the '50s.
Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.
Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.
Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others.
I will say yes to every favor, request, suggestion and invitation. I will swear to say yes where once I would say no.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
I got married recently. So far, so good. Less sex than I expected, but other than that, it's a pretty good lifestyle.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.
To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.
When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side.