Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
I believe in unity, as opposed to division.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers
I want Carl Sagan to explain the sky to me.
My wife and I always enjoy going for a jog.
No Atlantis is too underwater or fictional.
I'm down for adventure and up for anything.
I always thought communism was crap, really.
Difficulty is inevitable. Drama is a choice.
My momma used to kick in the door like SWAT!
Patrice O'Neal is the best comic I ever saw.
I think religion is a neurological disorder.
It's all been satirized for your protection.
Never trust people who've only got one book.
I took the Oscars very seriously as a child.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
I felt I wasn't getting anywhere in England.
We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?
Yeah, I'm the go-to guy for Mexican priests.
I watched every single Charlie Chaplin film.
I'm a New Yorker, and I live in the country.
I don't need a president with a bucket list!
Men are only as unfaithful as their options.
I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.
Alcohol kills slowly. Good, I'm in no hurry.
It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
That which does not kill you isn't finished.
My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.
I graduated from the University of Whatever.
What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.
Describe your perfect man who looks like me.
I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?
Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.
Don't call me 'sir; 'King Jew' will do fine.
I don't like to compare myself with anybody.
Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic.
All women are natural born espionage agents.
It takes years to make an overnight success.
I want to live till I die. No more, no less.
I get airsick just licking an airmail stamp.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Hey man! I'm a comedian but I'm not a clown.
I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.