Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke.
What do you mean, you "don't believe in homosexuality?" It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary.
Yes, if I wasn't a happily married man with three children, Emma Bunton would definitely be my hot-tub fantasy date.
You know what makes me mad about 'The Bachelorette?' That, you know, that that chick would get a man. Get me a date.
Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'
I have to be very careful about how I do any stuff on sadness 'cause the crowd gets really sad and concerned for me.
Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.
Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.
The fact is, the Middle East has been going crazy for 50, 60, 70 years. So it's not like, 'Oh, I need an ISIS joke.'
It doesn't matter what you're chasing, when you get there you're gonna be like, "Oh, is this all? It kind of sucks."
I think narcissists are endlessly watchable. The way they view the world and the way they interact within the world.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. You don't mind going through a little bush to get there!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
The story of '3 Mics' is the story of a guy who wants to be something and is sort of figuring out how he gets there.
I feel the life expectancy of a comedian is 30 seconds. If you don't hook an audience in half-a-minute, you're dead.
I think it's the most wonderful thing in the world to have an identity, something the audience can remember you for.
When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
I think a tragedy is something where the natural order of things is completely interrupted and doesn't right itself.
As much as I know people love the method and what you can draw out of yourself, a lot of acting is very imaginative.
I have Peter O'Toole's autograph on a first-edition copy of his autobiography that I acquired under false pretenses.
I seem to be one of those people that's immune to Super Bowl fever. I may be a carrier, but I'm immune to it myself.
I enjoy very traditional stuff, and I enjoy kind of outlandish stuff, and I just really like clothes. I always have.
If you have money and you have fame, but you don't have any confidence in your blackness, then it's all for nothing.
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner!
If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.
Movies are movies, and I don't think any of them are going to hurt the moral fiber of America and all that nonsense.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.
I did 'The Frank Skinner Show,' and they gave me a little jukebox-shaped CD player, which looks nice in the kitchen.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.
The revolution that's required isn't a revolution of radical ideas, but the implementation of ideas we already have.
Apathy is a rational reaction to a system that no longer represents, hears or addresses the vast majority of people.
I don't mind having a reputation as a serious and spiritual person. I think that would be a nice reputation to have.
When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?
There's this whole sense of judgment and who's right and who's wrong and who's moral and who's going to be punished.
I'm not saying I'm some high priestess. I do things, I'm sure, that are damaging, but it's certainly not on purpose.
When people pay to see you live, they connect with you on a much deeper level than people who just buy your records.
If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding.
There's an elusive element to comedy, but nobody gets it for free. That's why comedians seldom criticise each other.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
I resent my barber when he charges the full cost after he cuts my hair, but he says he's charging me for finding it.
You send a message in everything you do. I'm always very conscious about what ideas and what energy I put out there.
Awakening your spiritual side is really what artists do. When you hit a groove, it's not you; it's the spirit world.