Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It's so easy to judge everybody and for some reason extra weight is the one thing everything feels OK to joke about.
People always say to me, 'You're really attractive - in an unusual way.' No one ever just says, 'You're attractive.'
There are some Chicanos who don't want to be Chicanos - they want to be Mexican-American, Hispanic, or even Spanish.
I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
The goal of almost every comic is to find a comedy voice - a specific point of view that an audience can latch onto.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.
When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.
The United States is the most dishonest, ungodly, unspiritual nation that ever existed in the history of the planet.
When you're 18, you're just so busy being scared and having fun - a crazy mixture - that you never thought of dying.
It's just to break things up between stand-up gigs. I would only do it periodically. Maybe just an East Coast thing.
I'm just trying to understand what's around me as much as anyone else is, really. To draw a bead on a moving target.
I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone.
Kim Kardashian is single again. Hey, great. Maybe that will give the NBA players something to do during the lockout.
When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
I prefer my Mexican food to have a little bit of an animal that suffered a little bit. That's some of the best food.
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
I have terrible taste in things: music, movies, TV shows. I love all the guilty pleasures: Bravo, 'Real Housewives.'
There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.
We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
I'm sure people are shocked when they see a guy speeding and cutting them off and having road rage while in a Prius.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
I've built a career on evenly entertaining men and women. And I'm kind of known for not making either side feel bad.
You know, I have no web presence, and I don't know that there's many people who really do know me that much anymore.
I would say just in general, in life, I'm more willing to be animated as a person, and so obviously onstage as well.
You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.
President Obama wants to raise taxes on the country's richest people. And you thought Donald Trump hated him before.
John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
If most people wanted to be incognito, they put on a fake beard or mustache. If I wanted to I'd just shave mine off.
Children that play outside develop better problem solving skills and have a stronger ability to work within a group.
You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.
The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time.
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.
For me, a good comedy town is filled with people on the verge of a riot. They need something to relieve the tension.
Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.
I've said yes to everything that Jon Stewart has asked me to do. That's been a pretty good career decision, I think.
I shouldn't still be working out how to be misanthropic singleton comic when I'm 60. I should have moved on by then.