Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't mind having a reputation as a serious and spiritual person. I think that would be a nice reputation to have
If you want any attention in the Howard household, you have to shout quite loudly and try to develop a personality.
So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.
I've always gotten myself overly involved in supporting other women who've not always been as supportive in return.
People say, like, "I love when you smile because part of your mouth goes up," then I never organically smile again.
The Specials used to be my style icons. I was obsessed with them and the whole 2-Tone thing was a good look for me.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence.
I'm afraid I don't believe there is such a thing as blasphemy, just outrage from those insecure in their own faith.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
My idea of hell is to sit with a pair of curling tongs or have my hair blow-dried: I fidget like a 12-year-old boy.
I wanted to set 'Heading Out' in a real world, a concept I originally struggled with, as I don't have a proper job.
Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.
We have our own language. Christianese... We don't say 'He's out of his mind,' no, we say 'That's our youth pastor.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
You send a message in everything you do, Im always very conscious about what ideas and what energy I put out there.
I was taught in school that I have to look out for number one. That was against everything that I intuitively felt.
Facebook, instagram - I prefer visual communication better than verbal. But I read all the comments, answering too.
Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
If you're willing to give your life to defend my rights, you can have sex with a pie and I will heat it up for you.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know
I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records.
My goal as a comedian is to sway people's opinion. It's not my only goal and it's not the only way I measure myself.
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
There's a part of me that still hates everything, and my natural view default setting is still very cynical and dark
First off, I have to mention what is undoubtedly the greatest phenomenon of the modern era: All You Can Eat Buffets.
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust.
My father was always clowning around. It was a huge influence on me. In my family, everything is turned into a joke.
I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.
Never make your highest purpose, or the most important thing in your life something that is outside of your control.
I dream of acting with Kevin Costner. I would love to do a movie with him. Not something funny, but a dramatic role.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States...23,000 deaths from handguns. But - there's no connection.
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth.
Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.
There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
This is America. We don't call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.
The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy.
Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren`t afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls.
The thing is, I always thought I could do stand-up, and so I just stayed focused on the belief that I could succeed.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say, 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'
The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
I'm an entertainer and I entertain people and they entertain me back by asking questions. And some of them I answer.
I don't want to go on stage with anger. And that's why I worked so hard to look within and change myself and evolve.