Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
Google is not my friend. I've been way too open in my career. Google has killed any shot I have on the dating apps.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.
When E! ended the show, it wasn't because it was low-rated. It was because E! did not want to pay union rerun dues.
E! didn't like it when we'd make fun of clips from ESPN - they'd be like, 'That's sports! That's not our audience!'
I've seen Animal House two and a half times now at sneak previews with a real audience, and the reaction was great.
The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.
Having a child has been the most unexpected privilege, as I spent so long on my own thinking it would never happen.
I get just as much of a thrill out of constructing a good sentence that gets a laugh at the end as I do from a joke
I bought myself a juke box with my first bit of TV money and since then I don't think I've ever really gone mental.
You can look good. Don't let nobody tell you you can't look good because of your size... or what size your feet is.
I get real brave when I text people. When I text people, I am so brave because it's words, but you can't say stuff.
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
North Carolina is an amazing place. It has the best food, and also has folks fighting really hard for what's right.
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
Jokes do finish themselves. I really do see them as ongoing conversations about personal themes that I ruminate on.
Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.
I do one sit up a day. I get up in the morning, that's the first half. I lay down at night, that's the second half.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
The type of thing that one person would get mad at, another person would laugh at, is a good kind of zone to be in.
The most valuable insight on choosing whom to love is to be honest with yourself about the man standing before you.
If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
Look, we have long known that birds and pigs are mortal enemies. That's just the way of the world. Birds hate pigs.
Racism is a form of insanity. Human beings became racist when they started talking. Speech has a lot to do with it.
America has a rap sheet. You can't police the world and tell the world how to act when you're just as bad yourself.
I'm a comedian. Comedians are supposed to be jaded, cynical, angry people. But I'm not: I'm a silly, silly fun boy.
Oh God love Susan Boyle. God love 'er. I've nothing more to say about Susan, except God love 'er and God bless 'er.
Moses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!
I didn't ever feel close to my real family. I didn't feel validated; I never felt right because I was always wrong.
But for the use of physical punishment by, and fear of their oppressors, animals would never be a part of a circus.
What will it feel like after you die? Exactly the same as it felt for those billions of years before you were born.
If you're surrounded by idiots, you're the unpopular one and the odd one out because idiots don't like smart asses.
I like grown-up comedy, where it's about character and attitude and life as opposed to obvious gross-out and jokes.
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
I spend far too much on taxis. Now, if anyone suggests we get the Tube I say, 'The Tube! I'd forgotten about that.'
Life, to me personally, I believe it is a finite thing, my consciousness, and I want to use it as much as possible.
If I do the same act that I did in 1995, in essence you're saying (in a robotic voice), 'My mind has never changed'
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!