Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
With Clinton, there's no question that I would have made fun of his out-and-out lying. But he's also a good friend.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
Steal moments of happiness if you have to, and then collect them until they are the dominant images in your psyche.
My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.
I think I approach everything as an actor first. I'd rather walk onto a set and just act and just worry about that.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.
It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
Do we have to know who's gay and who's straight? Can't we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
Hosting the Oscars is pretty much the scariest thing you can do. To me, this is right up there with bungee jumping!
Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.
There are many indicators of advanced civilisations, but unthinking hero worship of the military isn't one of them.
You must study their deliveries, their use of their bodies, their timing, and their use of audio and vocal effects.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn't need school for what I wanted.
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.”
The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I have one show biz picture in my house. It's with Mr. Hope. I have asked for one autograph in my life: Mr. Hope's.
I used to take a recorder around and interview my parents and do impressions of my classmates as guests on my show.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.
You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.
Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden.
President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.
It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.
I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.
If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.
The people at Columbia Pictures have been great, but I had to tell them, 'Please don't be nice to me. Just pay me.'
We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?
I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.