Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I know the best moments can never be captured on film, even as I spend nearly half my life trying to do just that.
You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again.
How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?
I don't need Hollywood. With or without them, I'll be fine. But I'll admit it would be nice to have them on board.
The truly beautiful are often abused for apparent ugliness just as those with great vision often bump into things.
It's extremely unlucky to be superstitious, for no other reason than it is always unlucky to be colossally stupid.
You should give up.' 'Why?' 'For one thing, you'll live longer.' 'Oh, you don't live longer. It just seems longer.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
If you're funny, you can find a stage to get on. If you're good, you'll start to get work and eventually get paid.
The blues is a hopeful music. It helps you process something rather than avoid it. It's like mourning, in essence.
Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.
I have been skeptical and not trusting of traditional models of the entertainment industry. I never got a manager.
Communism didn't work because people weren't ready for it, it was corrupt, and because it squelched individualism.
If I end up homeless and penniless because of a shift in my behavior about sharing what's come to me, bring it on.
I lived in a world where I didn't share the love for my stepfather that my mother shared for him. She married him.
Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.
I spend a lot of time on Facebook and Twitter writing all day long because I feel it's my job to entertain people.
Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.
I wanted to go to grad school for philosophy, but I couldn't hack it in college, at least I couldn't at that level.
I always wanted to be a stand-up comedian, even as a kid. Me and my dad would watch 'Evening at the Improv' on A&E.
I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.
I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.
I visit a lot of art galleries. I live in Dublin and there's a very good gallery called the Kevin Kavanagh gallery.
Shrimp are the insects of the ocean. They're bottom feeders. So they're delicious, but they're the bugs of the sea.
I just got diagnosed with tendonitis which is such an insulting diagnosis. Just point to my shoulder and say "old."
L.A.'s hippies are actually quite scary - more like Hell's Angels than the Haight-Ashbury hippies of San Francisco.
As a comedian and satirist you have to be neutral, because everyone's fair game. Once you show bias, you lose that.
You spend a lot more time on your own as an only child. And there's space to allow your imagination to take flight.
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.
Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to.
I was in Australia....Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den....think of the parties.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.
What does it take for Republicans to take off the flag pin and say, 'I am just too embarrassed to be on this team'?
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.
I have a show on MTV called 'Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous.' I think that's a secret to a vast majority of America.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.
If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.
I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.
Here's the problem: People have completely and utterly forgotten one thing when it comes to communication - intent.
I was only 20, 21. I was basically going to college to get me out of the ghetto. A friend suggested I try stand-up.
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.