Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's babydoll.
Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!
I don't think I'm ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week.
[Twitter] certainly doesn't hurt me. I'm not in any pain over any of the things I see. I'm just more disappointed.
[Twitter] is not totally where I go anymore to sell myself as a concept, as a comedian, because it moves too fast.
I used to take someone with me for the chemotherapy so I could do jokes. You always try and find something absurd.
For me, being a woman suits what I want to talk about and what my audience wants to hear. Maybe I'm a dying breed.
Most performers are used to the highs and the lows. If you can let a low stop you, that would be a sad commentary.
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
Because so many rooms are run by men they're just used to women being the "that" - to be adored and dreamed about.
There is a real comfort with the position of the victim, which can either result in true empathy or deep paranoia.
I've been writing about misogyny for 20 years and trying to understand what femininity means for my entire career.
The ridiculousness and idiocy of life is embraced and examined. It nurtures the childhood perspective in everyone.
I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
Americans have always been inconsistent and kind of fake with outrage, but we've just slipped totally upside-down.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
I've had a lot of compulsions throughout my life which mainly started as a teen around the time I was doing exams.
I was seen as a little weirdo. But I was certain I wasn't a weirdo. I knew who the weirdos were, and it wasn't me!
Every black comedian in the country knew what I could do. But that doesn't mean everyone else is paying attention.
It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
You don't have to be famous. You just have to find your own coven of bad-asses that you trust and want to empower.
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.
The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can't think of it.
As far as I can tell, comedians are pretty serious people, and that's why they make fun of things all of the time.
Part of what's great about America, and Canada as well, is that we can talk about our political leaders in public.
Two bats were hanging up in a cave and one said to the other, 'When I'm older, I hope I don't become incontinent'.
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
If somebody says my ideas aren't good in the afternoon, I can go to a club that night and try to prove them wrong.
The thing about comedians is, we're generally pretty smart. So, if we can be smart and funny, that is the victory.
Even at it's worst, 'Def Jam' was extremely interesting and extremely well performed. And the crowds were amazing.
I don't think people understand what comedy is supposed to do. We will observe things, we will make fun of things.
If there is someone in your life who is not serving you or making you better, give yourself permission to move on.
The only reason I wanted to do 'MADtv' was because I grew up reading 'Mad Magazine' because I'm a comic-book nerd.
My dialogue probably reveals the paranoia of the stand-up: if you're not quick and interesting, they will be gone.
Having enough money has to go hand in hand with living in a way that you're not being a slave to your possessions.
Son-In-Law was kind of my crossover. It was the movie that brought me out of the MTV audience into the mainstream.
Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!
Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!
The most important thing is to keep creating and following my inklings as they come into being and acting on them.
Do the unexpected. Take 20 minutes out of your day, do what young people all over the world are dying to do: vote.
If I do eat meat, it's got to be ethical. I want to know that it lived a great life before it was killed humanely.
I'm influenced by those '40s, '50s, and '60s films: things like 'The Apartment' - I was a big fan of Billy Wilder.
It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.
I did The Frank Skinner Show, and they gave me a little jukebox-shaped CD player, which looks nice in the kitchen.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.