Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!
The difference between being able to understand something and inventing it in the first place... is called genius.
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.
It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?
When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.
Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.
The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.
I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.
I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff.
If you can justify killing to eat meat, you can justify the conditions of the ghetto. I cannot justify either one.
Alan King, a comedian I adored, was considered society, and I was considered the Jewish kid from the neighborhood.
You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...
Idioms are a big thing in Ireland. They want to fill the time, to show how good they are at talk - it's a talk-off
I don't subscribe to the theory that all politicians are crap. I think the 'cool people' often take that position.
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.
I listen to the audience and try and bounce with them. All audiences are different. But they are all homo sapiens.
The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.
It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
Consumer culture needs us to be impulsive, while our political culture fears that we will ever develop discipline.
When you take a pause before delivering your punch line, you will be using silence as a creative entity in itself.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.
We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.
If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough.
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.
I have terrible taste in things: music, movies, TV shows. I love all the guilty pleasures: Bravo, Real Housewives.
All the kids are freaking out about Snapchat, so I'm hoping to trick them into thinking I know how to use it, too.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.
My dad used to say 'Always fight fire with fire,' which is probably why he got thrown out of the the fire brigade.
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.
Sometimes I am very pleased with lifestyle and sometimes I feel utterly worthless because I have so few interests.
The handful of corporations that own most of the media outlets have an interest in reflecting establishment views.
I mostly get takeout, I have to admit - I don't know if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not much of a cook.
You might be a redneck if your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.