Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.
Can I do an impression of me? I don't think I can. It would be the most self-confronting thing you could ever do.
A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.
What do you mean you don't believe in homosexuality? It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary.
I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.
When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.
Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.
I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.
People drain me, even the closest of friends, and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in.
I feel sorry for anyone that I am obsessed with. I am worse than gum in your hair, very, very close to the roots.
You have to get rid of characters to make room for new ones, but you also have to recognize when things are done.
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now.
Models never say, "I'm hot." They say, "Look at these clothes." Whereas, with comedy, you have to say, "I'm hot."
The truth is black celebrities are not as sought after in the press as white celebrities, and that is comforting.
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.
I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
In conclusion, you can see that there is a place for censors and we only wish that we could tell you where it is.
Wine is something to enjoy. We get sick and tired of people who pick it apart and talk about its 'saucy nuances.'
When I was 16 or 17, I saw Lenny Bruce being taken to jail. They took him off stage because he talked about race.
When I shot the movie, I wasn't gonna think about anything except for being the biggest knucklehead in the world.
I'm the weirdo that tells - asks - the Uber driver to please turn the radio down. I'm so polite about it, though.
Family are very important to me. They keep you grounded and sane. It's really important that you don't lose that.
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!
I'm not sure I'd hire myself in anything. I certainly couldn't be an actor. That would be terrible. For everyone.
When I started out, I struggled, and I was broke a lot. But I'm glad I struggled, and I'm glad I was broke a lot.
People now live their lives like an open wound to be famous - they do bad things because they're rewarded for it.
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.
I'm knackered. I'm knackered all the time. My stupid, tiny children wake me up at 5:48 A.M. every single morning.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.
It's no wonder Bob Geldof knows so much about famine - he's been dining out on I Don't Like Mondays for 30 years.
I don't really have a political agenda, I just like things to be fair - I get angered by pomposity and privilege.
I'd been writing jokes since I was 16, not very good ones though, but I was always trying to make my mates laugh.
I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.
It's depressing sitting at a comedy club all night, waiting to get on to do your five or ten minutes of material.
I always have kind of underneath feeling of peace of mind that I get from just the basic tenants of spirituality.
I think I've been called edgy - but in all honestly, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot.
Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed.
I feel much more comfortable as a writer than an actor. I feel like I am a much better writer than I am an actor.