Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm like a goldfish. My memory is terrible.
There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.
I started a big part of my career in Vegas.
To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.
It's just a big excuse to say awful things.
I'm always surprised when I get recognized.
The only deadline is the one I give myself.
If I ever play Hamlet, it'll be in a dress!
You have to be delusional to be a comedian.
Nobody knows the life of the working comic.
I've been doing comedy and paying my bills.
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.
Use those brains that God put in your head.
People get way too much credit at funerals.
I don't want to get in a one-character rut.
Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.
I'm challenging myself to reverse the hate.
As I've always said: The future lies ahead.
Everyone is always asking me about clothes.
Handshaking means, 'I don't have a weapon.'
I'm not crooked, and I want to help people.
I think it's funny when stereotypes happen.
Common knowledge, but important nonetheless
Be happy. It really annoys negative people.
Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks
You won't burn in hell. But be nice anyway.
Why buy a book when you can join a library?
I lift weights. Then I put them down again.
Why buy a book when you can join a library.
We think; therefore, we often talk rubbish.
Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
The Second Amendment is not really a right.
My job is mostly to entertain and be funny.
My whole career has been an act of revenge.
I don't combine proteins and carbohydrates.
I hate to judge everybody across the board.
I'd love to do drama if it was interesting.
Even vegetables have feelings in our world.
I don't think anything predated Christians.
You are who you are when nobody's watching.
Better sexy and racy Than sexist and racist
Compromise is a stalling between two fools.
Talent is inborn, but technique is learned.
Half the people you know are below average.
The speed of time is one second per second.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>