Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.
After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.
Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful!
Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.
There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium, and that is: Beat it to death if it succeeds.
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
With all the trouble black people have, they try to forget on weekends. You've got to be good to make them laugh.
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.
Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.
In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.
Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.
When Gene makes a movie, the people who work on it have such a love for him that the set is always a happy place.
I feel like I have no real solid plans like, "this is what I'm going to do and I will do it by 2017" or whatever.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
When you travel, try having an open mind, not just about the city that you're in but about the surrounding areas.
I've seen other comics, with great pleasure, watching their own specials, and I don't know how or why they do it.
Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.
President Bush said the other day the war is not about timetables. It's about winning. Hey, it worked in Florida.
Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty.
Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans.
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.
Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.
Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush".
How is a redneck divorce similar to a tornado? You know that somewhere, somehow, someone is gonna lose a trailer.
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.
Commissioners are obsessed with young people, which is funny because they don't watch telly - only old people do.
I got the 'Max Rose' script, and I fell in love with it. It just hit me. It was something that needed to be made.
The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.
The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.
Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!
Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.
There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.