Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
We're born with success. It is only others who point out our failures, and what they attribute to us as failure.
There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen.
In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.
It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.
In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing.
If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'
I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.
There's a lot to do when you're a kid - spiders to catch, girls to poke in the eye - stuff to be getting on with.
I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
When you're working on a TV show, your schedule can be very unpredictable, which means it's harder to book shows.
Comedy is my proper job. It's what I should be doing, and when I do other bits like my science series, I miss it.
Courage isn't the absence of fear, but a decision that what we want is more important than what we are afraid of.
It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.
Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...
Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.
We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
I don't identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.
Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid.
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing.
I can't stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can't. It's a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn't.
Every asshole who ever chanted 'Drill baby drill' should have to report to the Gulf coast today for cleanup duty.
I've been very lucky because I've always had movies to do. So if I got bored between shows a movie would turn up.
I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now.
Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.
Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!
Every Naval vessel has a contingent of Marines aboard. After all, the Sailors have to have someone to dance with.
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!
I couldn't go any higher with three Michelin stars. I mastered my craft. I'm still learning and picking up ideas.
I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
I seem to get motivated a few months at a time, and then something stressful breaks the routine, and I just fold.
You just got to be really logical when you're a comedian - to a fault. Like a lawyer's got to believe in the law.
No matter what kind of backgrounds two men are from, if you go, 'Hey, man, women are crazy,' you've got a friend.
The exchange rate between first-world lives and third-world lives in disaster stories in the media is about 50:1.
I get offers all the time from film makers, but they are unknown quantities. I don't go there and do experiments.
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
If you don't have the right people around you and you're moving at a million miles an hour you can lose yourself.
Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.