Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Golf is a game with morals. There's always an opportunity to be a scoundrel. That's why it's a gentleman's game.
I pretty much live on my tour bus.I do well around 300 shows a year. A lot of times I will do two shows a night.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
My first words were 'Seconds, please.' Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9 x 12.
I'm weird; I have a very strange emotional memory. I really somehow hold on to even passing moments with people.
I don't seek controversy. I don't seek to antagonize. Sometimes it happens, but I'm not there to argue politics.
I don't make a list of questions. Ever. I think a lot of my interviews are driven by my need to feel connection.
Most conservatives also believe in the death penalty, but not abortion, which proves they like to procrastinate.
I get a lot from great '90s artists like Juliana Hatfield, The Pixies, and bands like That Dog and The Breeders.
I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business.
I'm not an extroverted person, nor am I hyper-confident in my point of view. I just don't have that personality.
The things you're crying about today, you might be laughing about in ten years ... and then again ... maybe not.
I don't watch that much comedy. I think it's professional jealousy. That and a lack of support for my community.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
I had people think I was brilliant, then 'Half Baked' bricked. They literally look at me like a homeless person.
No family should have to endure the loss of a loved one at the hands of a previously convicted violent criminal.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
Fame is a bit Nietzschean. For everything good, something bad happens to you, so you have to sort of be careful.
I think it can be easy at a certain point to take it for granted that you can kind of perform whatever you want.
When I got divorced, the first people I called were Nick Kroll and John Mulaney and T. J. Miller - all the pals.
Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!
Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian. Never got a dinner!
Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.
With an audience it's now, there are no editors around. It's just me and the audience and it's what I like best.
With 1,000-seater venues, rather than 5,000-seaters, there are richer opportunities for sucking the audience in.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
When you get to be a certain size as a man, all the shirts end up having giant dogs on them or things like that!
If civil disobedience is the way to go about change, than I think a lot of people will be going to San Francisco
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
I've been doing stand-up for 15 years and I've never even been invited to the Comedy Awards! How mental is that?
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
If you're over 22, getting a tattoo and you don't do work that involves tools you should be ashamed of yourself!
He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
You don't need a Harvard MBA to know that the bedroom and the boardroom are just two sides of the same ballgame.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I keep thinking the bad guys will win in the end and take it all away, but somehow it all seems to keep working.
The one thing that advances a society is not technology or so-called development; its love - that one principle.
I know that I cannot change the entire world, but I've always believed I can at least affect change in my world.
Smaller incidents in my life made me realize that language, even more than color, defines who you are to people.