Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay or married.
You might be a redneck if...the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You might be a redneck if...Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
I said to my parents that I don't even know if there should be an Israel. And they were just so upset and hurt.
To me, it wasn't 'Star Wars' that shaped me; it was more 'Mary Tyler Moore' and, nowadays, 'Louie' and 'Girls.'
I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
I used comedy as a way to combat my dyslexia. I was barely getting by scholastically, so I used a lot of humor.
Some people, they got housing loans, and I think they're responsible for taking a loan they didn't qualify for?
'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed
It's a cosmic joke that I'm a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to me.
No one has the responsibility to be out to anyone but himself or herself. I made my choice a million years ago.
I'm glad this whole success thing is happening now. I can't even imagine a 23-year-old Leslie in this position.
If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .
When you go out for drinks, tell people to bring in a news story that made them say "Oh my god." Talk about it.
If I have food in the house and I'm laying in bed, I go, 'I bet that Captain Crunch is lonely in the cupboard.'
There's something about cats' self-sufficiency and their seemingly individualistic ways that I find compelling.
Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'
You have to have a very holler-y sensibility. So they [the audience] know there's something worth listening to.
I think political correctness really does help us when it serves us but it doesn't help us when it silences us.
To me, marriage is really important and what we build families on. That's why gay marriage is really important.
I played Li'l Abner and Batman in school plays; I wanted to be an actor to play all these different characters.
I don't consider myself an Iranian comedian; I consider myself a comedian who happens to be of Iranian descent.
I am not a great cook, I am not a great artist, but I love art, and I love food, so I am the perfect traveller.
I saw novelists as being admirable people and I thought... I thought... maybe, one day, I could be one of them.
If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
I just realized at a certain point that no matter how much writing I did, I'm still a gym rat for comedy clubs.
Rob Thomas loves nothing more than for couples to go on dates, and he loves chocolates. Boxes of 20 chocolates.
We got everythin' we need here. We got Baileys, creamy, and, um... everythin' good. I'll get ya another Baileys
The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
I think we should just tip the government if it does a good job. Fifteen percent is the standard tip, isn't it?
People come up to me in bars and on street corners and they say to me, 'Hey, Paulsen, have you got any change?'
Oh, I would love to be in Don Juan's shoes for a weekend. Not that I was ever handsome enough to be a Don Juan.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.
When somebody comes across as authentic and genuine and sweet, people just want to spend time with that person.
I don't know if I was funny as a child, though I always thought my parents really enjoyed listening to me sing.
I mean, comics fear sue - you know, lawsuits and stuff like that, just because they don't like to do paperwork.
Dr. Spock, who said, Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Never got a dinner!
I don't believe in outing people. It's up to the individual, but there's nothing wrong putting the pressure on.
America champions the underdog. We champion the underdog until he's not the underdog anymore, and he annoys us.
With 'The Office' and 'Extras' I've always snuck in a little bit of heart and pathos - and drama, which is fun.
The second series is always my favourite as a writer/director; you can hit the ground running... so that's fun.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.