Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I always believe that funny is serious and serious is funny. You don't really need a distinction between them.
My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.
It's nice to be in a place where I can be a little more selective, and to be sought out for ideas that I have.
I will watch a movie that is quote unquote dark and not get the qualification of what is dark and what is not.
I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
The idea that you must bathe every day is, to a certain extent, a manufacture on the part of the soap industry.
I find that a really restful, relaxing way to spend time on a plane is to listen to an audiobook while drawing.
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done [with sex], you could turn over and talk about football.
Australia is an outdoor country. People only go inside to use the toilet. And that's only a recent development.
People only watch my shows for me, and those shows have remained evergreen long after the guests are forgotten.
When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first?
I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children.
Karl Malden was a good friend of mine, and he said, 'You draw the people to you,' and I guess that's what I do.
Until we become clear about our own worth and value, we will forever be searching for it in the eyes of others.
Many people would rather be certain of their worries and fears, than risk the uncertainty of hope and optimism.
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
Marijuana grows naturally...Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?
Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.
Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.
If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.
Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?
Scientists say an 8.9 earthquake here could knock down buildings, flood coastal areas... and improve the roads.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.
'Billy on the Street' is a persona. It's crafted; it has writers. It's a mixture of performance art and comedy.
My old friend Jack Benny has only had one ball all his golfing life. And now he's lost it. The string came off!
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
There's just something about the audiences in Detroit that I've always felt connected to. Detroit is different.
It's interesting to talk to young comedians. I love it because it makes me go, 'Oh, that's how I can be funny.'
Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.
A comic, you have to be looking down at him. My favorite rooms, the audience is above the stage, stadium-style.
I am an atheist. I have a very different take on who God is. Man invented God because he needed him. God is us.
When I was young and didn't have money, I liked gambling because winning and losing was fun for the rush of it.
There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.
I have to go out for lunch and dinner because I can't cook. I need a woman to come and save me from my cooking.
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
Reality TV's pretty tricky for me. I don't really watch anything like that, because I think it's brain-sucking.
The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.
As a comedy nerd, I get a lot out of the podcast because I'm genuinely interested in the people I'm talking to.
Religious humor is not really my area, so I probably wouldn't do anything about that, or politics or something.
I'm not a big fan of 'Jersey Shore' and those kinds of shows where people are really playing up to the cameras.
To be a dad: Make peace with the fact that you will now be your partner's second favourite person in the world.
Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.
Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year, and the coldest-just in case we want to have a parade