Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.
What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.
If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?
Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
When I've done somewhat scripted stuff, it feels a little flat. It feels like there's not much life behind it.
The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
I'm simultaneously terrified of the thought of existing forever and not existing at all. Wherein is my peace?
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.
My dream would be to be on a show that shoots in New York, because I live here, and then I could walk to work.
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11.
I've got keys to crap I've never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the pull my finger trick at the family reunion.
I miss the city Bret and I live in, Wellington. It's a good place to be creative, in the same way New York is.
I never tell an audience what they can expect. I never have and I never will. I'm an entertainer for 75 years.
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
My father and mother - I figured if I could make them laugh, they'd stop fighting. I stole all their material.
Every comic says things that are going to offend someone, so we all have to defend each other with this stuff.
I love Philly so much. I know that at any time, any place, a fight can break out. Those are great comedy fans.
I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.
It is so much easier to grieve for the dead than to care for the living. At least in death we are all perfect.
I try not to listen to the other comedians performing before me because they will probably be funnier than me.
I get quite frustrated about a lot of things on a day-to-day basis. I can't help it; it is an impulse with me.
It's always judged on funny first, then the facts, and the realism, and the points that you're trying to make.
Along with 'Wet Hot American Summer' and 'The Room,' 'Lebowski' belongs in the canon of nouveau cult classics.
As a kid, I always loved Mel Brooks' stuff - 'The 2,000 Year Old Man' record was something my dad put me onto.
I'm Italian, but some people think I'm Jewish because I work the Yiddish. I also work the Italian, by the way.
Monogamy is monotonous, but it's safe you know. And that's my philosophy. And I like to convey that to people.
Our attention spans have been reduced by the immediate gratification provided by smartphones and social media.
Sometimes I realize halfway through a story, I'm like, 'Why would anyone care about this? It's uninteresting.'
I now get to have the life I wanted when I was 18 years old. Now, I'm like, 'I can buy any skateboard I want.'
There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."
Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.
The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
I always thought I was funny, but I was very sensitive, and very provocative just to get a rise out of people.
'Nice' means nothing. Is it someone who doesn't swear and shout? I swear and shout. 'Nice' sounds ineffectual.