Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I said to my wife that if I had enough money I'd have my arms lengthened. Slightly longer arms would be great.
When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a Christmas tree.
In my old neighborhood, a boy stopped playing when he began to lose his pulse. And then he became the referee.
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
[Obamacare] was going to be the Republicans' big issue, and they're not talking about it because it's working.
What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can't vote.
This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated into English.
What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie.
Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he's still losing in the money race!
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose.
Postmodern comedy doesn't work well with very old audiences, because it's making fun of the comedy they enjoy.
The thing is, I was on YouTube like the golden era, I think. Before ads came in, it was really cool back then.
Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here - just for me.
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, 'What do I do next?' Pat replied, 'Wait till the pain dies down.'
Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!
I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."
I get really nervous at auditions. I know how to make people laugh, but auditions just really make me nervous.
I'm afraid of being poor; I'm afraid of living in the projects... I'm afraid of being thought as unsuccessful.
The distinction between male and female will never stop existing. We are not alike, and I wouldn't want to be.
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.
People always say to me, Youre really attractive - in an unusual way. No one ever just says, Youre attractive.
The word 'Chicano' was originally a derisive term from Mexicans to other Mexicans living in the United States.
Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.
I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
Bowling really was a big American sport in the '50s, '60s, and '70s, and then it kind of died off in the '80s.
You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property.
When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.
There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.
Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
We want to be seen as more than just martial artists, or bad stereotype token roles in American TV and movies.
It's the behaviour of your company and its people that form your reputation, and your reputation is your brand
Reality always outstrips fiction. Whatever you make up, something more incredible always pops up in real life.
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.
You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter.
Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.
Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.