Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Spirituality really lost its way when it became a stick to beat people with: ‘Do this or you’ll burn in hell.
I'm not from around these parts. I'm from a little place called England: we used to run the world before you.
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
Luckily, even when people are shouting lies, the truth is undamaged. Science doesn't matter what you believe.
If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
By consciously deciding how you will live the rest of your life, you can create a life that is extraordinary.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
Like most comedians, I have crippling low self-esteem, so I always think that what I've just done is rubbish.
I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.
Anybody who knows about having a premature baby, it's horrific. He was part of a twin, and I lost his sister.
If you have some problem in your life and you need to deal with it then use religion it's fine. I use Google.
I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, 'Oh, I guess I'll have Champagne.' I said, 'Guess again.'
There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.
Physical access is one of the very first issues disability rights activists of the 1960s and '70s fought for.
No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time.
I like to think of myself at home in the armchair, writing, smoking and occasionally wandering down the shop.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Music is where I'm still. It's where I'm focused. It's such a joy. I'd like to make it a big part of my life.
I think there comes a time in any comedian's career where they can either coast or keep growing and evolving.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
That kind of language is what makes us laugh. Like, "Well, just eFax that to me, and I'll take a look at it."
The financial system as a whole has had the characteristics of a Ponzi scheme if we look at it fundamentally.
Activism, to me, I don't know if it really works. It may work for somebody else, but it does not work for me.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
'New Jack City' and 'Boyz 'N the Hood' are realities, but movies like 'Strictly Business' are realities, too.
Whatever movies I sign, they have to get me out of my comfort zone. Otherwise, I would get bored very easily.
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
I have a sidekick, Keith Robinson, who's very funny. I've known Keith for over 20 years; he's my best friend.
I think sometimes celebrities can hurt a candidate. You don't want people to judge them on your last project.
If every American donated five hours a week, it would equal the labor of twenty million full-time volunteers.
If I was doing a talk show, I would do the kind of show that comes on just once a month, with amazing guests.
I'm a selective pack rat. There's some things I have no problem getting rid of and others I hold onto dearly.
I'm so sick of people treating Latinos like some homogenous group that all feel the same way about everything.
I know it's corny, but laughter is a two-way gift, and hearing people laugh just warms me through and through.
Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.
I never wanted to limit myself to just impressions. I wanted to branch out and develop other parts of my game.
Reading the play at home, however fulfilling, can never be the vivacious experience that Shakespeare intended.
This is a shameful thing to say, but I've never really got that 'grown-up' mind-set. I have to buy forks? Why?
I don't think you get a lot of comedians who are homeopaths. Comedy is essentially about not being hoodwinked.
I'm really spectacularly thick in all areas of my life except comedy and science. I'm crap at everything else.