Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.
Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.
Anyone who tells you that it is better to have loved and lost that to never loved at all has never done both.
Throughout my life, I've been gratified that I've been able to keep the child in me alive and inspire others.
I'm skinny, but a soft skinny. I have strong legs, but my arms are like pea pods with single peas for elbows.
I see myself primarily as a comedian, and my aim on the 'Last Leg' is to be as funny as I can about the news.
As Socrates I believe said the unexamined life is not worth living. I believe that's true. I do believe that.
When you're really famous, there's very little authenticity in people, so you prefer the company of children.
We're homebodies. I've gotten to see my kids' first steps, first smiles, first words. Every day is a weekend.
When I was 24, I went back to the academic life and did a degree in film and television at Brunel University.
I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.
The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.
My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'
I would never quit comedy to make money. I've been doing it, like, 30 years. I still love it. That's my life.
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'
The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.
I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
There's nothing more horrifying than the possibility or the idea that you will just fade away into obscurity.
I’m glad to be part of the war on sadness. I’m a part time employee of the illusion that keeps people stupid.
I find myself by default an atheist but fairly unhappily so. It would be bloody marvelous if there was a god.
I think self-deprecation is such a disease, and I want to cure everybody of it and so that's my contribution.
You have to adhere to a certain morality, a certain level of decorum, or else you'll be punished and labeled.
If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
When you use sleep mask, no one's gonna recognize you. You're gonna look like an idiot, but it's so worth it.
I wanted to create the weirdest show ever made on television - a punky, prog-rock nightmare of lurid colours.
I identify myself as a stand-up first. Even though lately there's been an explosion of acting on my schedule.
Knock on wood, my groupies tend to be very artistic, creative people - sometimes way more creative than I am.
I never said that movies were struggling behind TV. I'm just saying that movies have a better creative cache.
Peter Marshall: A western saddle has a curved horn on the front to hold something for the cowboy. What is it?
Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable.
I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.
I'm blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do.
I've always been Ralphie, ever since I was a kid. My grandfather was Ralph. It suits me better to be Ralphie.
Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
Moshe Dayan, who said to Sammy Davis, Jr., That's funny, to me you only look half Jewish. Never got a dinner!
Even when I was a little kid, I always said I would be in the movies one day, and damned if I didn't make it.
I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst . . . In other words, I had a life.
Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.
I don't believe in about 2700 Gods. Christians don't believe in 2699 Gods. They're nearly as atheistic as me.