Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Feminism is not a fad. It's not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example.
They can't make any of these talented young actors Fletch. You might as well make a movie called Chevy Chase.
I do podcasts for the same reasons I do stand-up comedy. I love it, and I don't care if anybody else gets it.
Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.
Success has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others.
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
Everyone around me says, You're a genius! You're great! That's your voice! But I'm not sure if they're right.
I was hired to do this one great script called 'Cap'n Ricky' and that project is up in the air at the moment.
When I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'
I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.
I knew most of the people there who ran the places, a lot of wiseguys. They're all gone now. All good people.
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.
Being on TV and getting everything paid for are the two reasons to do it with us instead of the court of law.
People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
I'm more surprised than anyone that 'Spamalot's done so well. You can never predict what's going to be a hit.
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.
Tony Rezko and Bill Ayers should lead the Democratic Party. They are the only Democrats with any convictions.
The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.
I enjoy 'The Apprentice' and the one that's called 'Take My Life' and the other one called 'Stop Hitting Me.'
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.
My dad named me after Hannibal Barca, the Carthaginian general who attacked Rome. But nobody knows about him.
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.
Boy, does that give you street cred for years after, if you tell people you were on 'The Larry Sanders Show!'
I am not a person that is particularly tethered to fashion, which I think is obvious to anyone who's seen me.
It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.
You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You might be a redneck if your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.
I'm an outdoor nut. If I'm not working, I'm on a tractor on my farm, hunting, fishing or climbing a mountain.
I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit.
You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
My father and mother. I figured if I could make them laugh, they'd stop fighting. I stole all their material.
Anne is very forgiving. She doesn't care about money, being rich, or clothes. We never argued about finances.
I started doing improv when I was 8 years old, so it's always been in my life. I would feel naked without it.