Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified
I'm known for being quite gobby, but also, I'm quite old fashioned in the sense that I like writing letters.
My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.
I know, because I tried all sorts of ways of being in character, and the best way is to be totally straight.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
New Jack City' and 'Boyz 'N the Hood' are realities, but movies like 'Strictly Business' are realities, too.
We try to... we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think.
If you look at this election, I feel like Donald Trump was speaking a different language to Hillary Clinton.
It's in the Bible. God created it. He did not create gay marriage. He created man and woman marriage -- duh!
Maybe if I could ever be a successful comedian then I could be an example that Christians can also have fun.
Women do come up to me after a show, but it's usually to say, 'Yhank you for making us laugh,' and all that.
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.
I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.
All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.
The audience loves when the comedian talks to them. You're creating inside jokes, which creates a community.
I grew up in a time when it would never have occurred to anyone to tell me there was anything I couldn't do.
I've never had a yard sale, ever, in my life. I don't know if I ever thought about stuff I would get rid of.
I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world.
Im so sick of people treating Latinos like some homogenous group that all feel the same way about everything.
I feel sorry for many politicians... we expect them to be completely consistent and moralised when we're not.
I know its corny, but laughter is a two-way gift, and hearing people laugh just warms me through and through.
I wish over the years I had kept my private life private and my professional life a little more professional.
I did not sell Amway, but I sold Shaklee, which was an Amway-type product sold through multi-level marketing.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
My parents were very pleased that I was in the army. The fact that I hated it somehow pleased them even more.
On 'Death In Paradise,' I had a CGI pet lizard and had to react to nothing, which was hideously embarrassing.
Probably one of the reasons I became a comedian is that you get a chance to control when people laugh at you.
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
If I'm a national treasure, does that mean I'm like the Elgin Marbles and will get repatriated at some point?
I've been guilty of being in the writers' room and going too dark; other people have gone too wacky and zany.
If you know two languages, the level of your intelligence is multiplied a hundredfold in other people's eyes.
I'm a Christian. But Muslims are misunderstood. Intentionally misunderstood. We should all be more like them.
God has not made anything that I know of that pays so much attention to who their father and mother is as us.
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".
What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?
I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit.
It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.
Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.
Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
Our pop cultural likes and dislikes are still very segregated, and that is not true of 'Billy on the Street.'
Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.
England occupies a warm spot in my affections. It was the scene of my greatest performance. I was born there.
He was bare chested and in good trim. I said that just looking at him I knew there would always be an England
All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.
Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.