Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Once you've been booked, people in Hollywood say, 'Oh he must be good.' All the while you're the same actor.
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.
I'm just going to keep doing comedy because I don't know what else to do. I have no other applicable skills.
I have to say I like Edinburgh, but I'm not a big fan of the Festival - I like it but I'm not a massive fan.
My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.
I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
For me to be ten pounds thinner is a full-time job, and I am handing in my notice and walking out the door!!
Christ's purpose was to really show how everyone can be loved and how everyone should be loved and accepted.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.
My mom and brother are both doctors, and it seems crazy that so many people think science is a mutable idea.
I always wanted to be an explorer, but - it seemed I was doomed to be nothing more than a very silly person.
Geography prepares for the world of work - geographers, with their skills of analysis are highly employable!
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?
People recognize me from everything and as soon as I think I know where they know me from, I'm always wrong.
You can't please all of the people all of the time; you can only please some of the people some of the time.
I've been on the 'Tonight Show' a million times, and I'd be embarrassed to do the same thing more than once.
The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
Comedy Bang! Bang!' has meant so much to me over the years, and has brought me so much and so many new fans.
The king of comedy is dead. Richard Pryor was the king of comedy. The rest of them are the king of copycats.
We made this movie for $17, and nobody got anything. So it never dawned on me that we would get real people.
The strangest thing about writing a sitcom, is never knowing if it will become anything but words on a page.
Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, I got more ribs - you got more broads? Never got a dinner!
Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, I owe it all to one great part. Never got a dinner!
Dean Martin's pancreas, who overheard his liver singing I got a right to sing the blues. Never got a dinner!
I'm always trying to see things from different peoples' perspectives, to understand why they love something.
If I can learn a couple of phrases in Italian but do mostly weird, absurd music things, people will like it.
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?
Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.
The next time someone is critical of you, just take a moment to consider their life. Then smile to yourself.
I never think of myself as a celebrity - or even an actor, actually. I think of myself as a writer-director.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Religion is many things, but one of them, surely, is a way for adults to indulge in uncritical hero worship.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I never weigh myself, but the brutal truth of television is that they don't employ old people or fat people.
Socialism isn't a dirty word; it just means sharing. Really, it's just the bureaucratic arm of Christianity.
Rebel children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.
In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved.
I broke my wrist on TV trying to do a one-armed push-up. A lot of people delight in pointing this out to me.
Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.
Cheryl Cole got malaria...well I guess that answers the question what do you give someone who has everything
We kind of have some ideas for sequels. The movie [Sausage Party] ends in a way that implies a next chapter.
I am presently in my thirteenth year of teaching a graduate course at the University of Southern California.
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?