Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!
The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.
Anonymity is an abused privilege, abused most by people who mistake vitriol for wisdom and cynicism for wit.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!
Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.
In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in different ways.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
Words fascinate me. They always have. For me, browsing in a dictionary is like being turned loose in a bank.
I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!
Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.
I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.
Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
I suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.
The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.
If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.
I have discovered the secret formula for a carefree old age: iycri = fi (if you can't recall it, forget it).
I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity.
If there isn't a parking space out front or I can't see my car from the window, we're eating somewhere else.
Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie?
How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes.
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada
When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.
I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig.
My mother was like, "What did they teach you?", and I had never talked about that [sex-ed] so I freaked out.
I'm really, basically, nine, and I've always been that. I've never, ever allowed the child within me to die.
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
No matter how many books I've sold, nothing can correct the fact I look like Alfred Hitchcock from the side.
I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.
I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.
A lot of times when I sit down with the other comics and try to talk theory, they say I'm being too serious.