Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
I've never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.
Actually, we've done 75 of these shows and every one of them has sold out. But then we buy all the tickets.
This is how we loosen up for the morning announcements. Whoever has the football when the bell rings loses.
I get so much inspiration from people working hard at music, even though it's nothing to do with what I do.
I love Frank Capra. He believed in the goodness of people and one man's ability to fight and often triumph.
Living with my mom, I saw how she used language to cross boundaries, handle situations, navigate the world.
Traveling the world I've learned that progressives, regardless of their locations, think in a global space.
I'm not a big Hollywood guy. I don't know how the machine works. I leave that to people better than myself.
It was the best job I ever had. I just left because my whole team was leaving and the new guys were coming.
To me, the trick is not how can I make people laugh. It is, how can I make people laugh in a different way.
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.
I thought this should be a travel show, because a lot of people with physical disabilities get discouraged.
No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.
I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd.
I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.
I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.
The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
I have friends in this business who put pictures of their kids on Facebook. That's not something I would do.
If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
Never say [to younger people] "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!
I think if a 30-year-old Bill Cosby sat on stage with a 72-year-old Bill Cosby, they would enjoy each other.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal while blaming our misery on the person who started the fire.
I'm from Texas. You would think my biggest draw would be in that state. But my biggest draw is Pennsylvania.
It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.
If ur going to have a war on drugs, have them against ALL drugs, including alcohol, the number one offender.
Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.
I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.
I have a medical condition, all right. It's called caring too much, and it's incurable. Also, I have eczema.
'what.' is bombastic introspection. It's large, colourful, and loud but hopefully intimate at the same time.
I'm left-brained, so I'm all about a mathematical approach to language. I've always been interested in that.
I think because of the Internet I was able to study comedy from quite a young age and watch a lot of comedy.
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.
A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.
I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.
The raising of an eyebrow, how you do it; when you look, how you look. All those little things are physical.
I come from a much freer kind of performance thing, where I rely on my own improv and my own sense of humor.
It's not like I am working with the great innovators of all time, but at the same time, they are my friends.
Fans feel they know me, so they want me to be on-the-spot funny, and it's hard to fulfil their expectations.
I love my life, but I don't think I'm any happier than my younger brother Andre, who drives a garbage truck.
Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.