Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.
You know that you are a teacher when you spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.
You might be a redneck if getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.
I cannot do confrontation. You know that fight or flight thing? I'm flight. I just don't want the argument.
When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.
All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'
I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.
I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.
Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'
My dad would always say, 'What can you do to make the world a better place?' Well, I can make people laugh.
I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone to make things a little bit better every now and again.
You've got to be an observer. And you've got to take time to listen to people, talk, to watch what they do.
Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."
I GREW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND HAVE ALWAYS HAD A FRIEND OR 2 THAT TALKED WITH THE SOOUTHERN ACCENT.
You can't rush good wine. It has to sit. And when you finally drink it, it's the bomb. It's worth the wait.
The big percentage is us, the real people, and we have to say something. You have to speak up. You have to.
I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.
I grew up a witness to gay politics in its early days. I remember seeing Harvey Milk and been moved by him.
I got back from Toronto, where they had a severe outbreak of SARS - you know, Severe Asian Racism Syndrome.
Some people are that - more than a parent, more than a role model, more than anything less than a religion.
I know more about sports than I know about any other subject, unfortunately. I'm embarrassed to admit that.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
An actor shouldn't undergo psychoanalysis, because there are a lot of things you're better off not knowing.
I don't want to sit until I'm 90 with people running around after me. I'm not one for sitting on the couch.
I only like doing live telly. It's great because you go in and do it and then go home. No edit, no retakes.
My 20s were a time where I made it; my 30s were when I was away, confused, and trying to figure it all out.
The first day I went to law school, I realized I'd made a huge mistake. It was nothing like what I thought.
Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.
I'd kill to be 'Doctor Who.' Maybe they could make the Doctor two people? He has got two hearts, after all.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
You have to be great friends and make each other laugh. We laugh a lot and neither is jealous of the other.
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia.
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.
Billy Connolly is probably the greatest stand-up this country has ever produced and he swears all the time.
What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?
We are a society that treats people with disabilities with condescension and pity, not dignity and respect.