Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
Denver has smart and energetic crowds that appreciate good comedy and don't take themselves too seriously.
My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'.
If people associate you with the idea of loads of money, they in turn will give some of that money to you.
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
I don't want to be one of those comics who says, 'Hey, what's wrong with air travel?' and stuff like that.
When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.
In those stupid online polls to find the best sitcom ever, 'Father Ted' never gets the credit it deserves.
The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
My disability exists not because I use a wheelchair, but because the broader environment isn't accessible.
Stop wanting wealth and fame and start wanting instead to do something well about which you are passionate
I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Universal health care is, for me, the most sacred part, the most important pillar, of British citizenship.
I've been very lucky to have been able to act, write and direct and not have to choose just the one thing.
As someone who has never been in a gossip magazine, I do not deserve the contempt of the term 'celebrity.'
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?
Are Christians too stupid that we can't write a script, we can't film a movie OR we don't know how to act?
All my friends started getting boyfriends, but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.
I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.
You definitely feel a little exposed, because some of your friends call you like, "Man, I need that much."
The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
I liked the idea of all of humanity fitting inside a sugar cube because more than 99.9% of matter is space.
I’m a Brooklyn guy onstage, and I try to really feed my fans with the kind of material they expect from me.
I'm a Brooklyn guy onstage, and I try to really feed my fans with the kind of material they expect from me.
I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis.
I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
There's no shortage of attention junkies with large breasts in Hollywood but only Michael Moore's are real.
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.
The outfits come and go but there is a constant that I like about the catwalk model: the snotty expression.
It was Julie Burchill who decreed that, beyond a certain age, a man should not be seen in a leather jacket.
I'm working with a lot of legends who are brilliant who are people I've looked up to from a very young age.
I suffer greatly from nerves. I have stage-fright badly, and it gets worse, but the stage is still my life.
I was an early adopter of everything from Myspace to Twitter, and I think they're just fads, like CB radio.
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
There is something very poignant about plastic bags. These lonely plastic bags that gradually disintegrate.
As a young man, the temptation was to drink the minibar dry. I did all that - now I prefer to get outdoors.
Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
Calculus is one course you can come with to your parents and say, I am dropping it. And they'll understand.
If a white man falls off a chair drunk, it's just a drunk. If a Negro does, it's the whole damn Negro race.
The secret of success is to be like a duck, Smooth and unruffled on top, But paddling furiously underneath.
I love Twitter, but some people use profanity so much that at some point it's like saying, 'Pass the salt.'