Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Artistically I'm curious. But in life? No. I can go to a restaurant and order the same thing for 10 years.
If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
I just like seeing people. I just like meeting people. I like finding out new walks of life and new ideas.
People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.
There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.
Martin Luther King taught us all nonviolence. I was told to extend nonviolence to the mother and her calf.
When I first went to Vegas, there were just high-rollers and gamblers and the wise guys treated you great.
I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.
Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it.
Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.
I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.
I do pool exercises, like weightlifting but underwater. I walk, I swim... I'm pretty fit for an old bloke.
It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.
Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
I think there is racism at the heart of British policy and has been both in Labour and Conservative times.
The No 1 priority in TV comedy today is 'don't frighten the horses,' and it's probably No 2 and 3 as well.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.
Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.
If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
There definitely is exposure in reality shows, but the exposure will basically get you more reality shows.
I obviously try to avoid racism, because that's one thing that I should not be putting on to the Internet.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.
If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
'Inside Out' - that was a really good movie. That's the first animated movie I saw since 'The Lego Movie.'
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family, who I hear are wonderful people.
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.
I was frustrated in general with the way women are always portrayed. And it's always through a man's eyes.