Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.
Just do exactly what you think is unique, fun and specific to your personality, that others aren't doing.
It's good to be able to laugh at yourself and the problems you face in life. Sense of humor can save you.
Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
But I'm real conscious about what I do. I don't care what the label is. I'm looking at the outcome of it.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong. Every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.
Elvis walked over and signed a few autographs over the fence. They were screaming. I had never seen this.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
With most specials, even the best comedians will tell you they could have cut 15 or 20 minutes out of it.
There's no money in television, but TV provides the wherewithal to get the dollars for live performances.
Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.
So I got into growing grapes, not realizing that there was a heck of a lot more to it than meets the eye.
I come back to the theatre happily knowing that while it won't make me rich, it will provide me with fun.
We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile.
I'm Jewish. I've always had a thing where it's okay to dance with the devil, just don't become the devil.
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, Give us a visit, and bring the missus. Never got a dinner!
When I'm performing, I hope my research and my experience with those things I'm talking about rings true.
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.
I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!
There are only two pieces of pussy you're gonna get in your entire life, that's your first and your last.
If you want a friend, you don't buy a friend, Eric, you earn a friend through love and trust and respect.
Try something. And never be afraid to fail. That failure is useful too. It's just another building block.
I live on the limit, Vyvyan. The limit, because I'm a rider at the gates of dawn and I take no prisoners!
I was brought up to be a good boy and proud of myself so I suppress all the things about me that are bad.
I'd love Shakey Bill to tell me a story - I mean, William Shakespeare, he could squeak a nib couldn't he?
Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
I think Oprah who is the height of aspiration and inspiration recognizes something in me that is germane.
Imagining the overthrow of the current political system is the only way I can be enthused about politics.
The utilities and facilities of major corporations can be confiscated and given to democratic collectives
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
Once you're heterosexual and comfortable with that, you don't need to take out an announcement every day.
New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.
Michael Bates was a very funny actor; he'd served in India, could speak Urdu, and had great comic timing.
My growing up years, we watched 'Happy Days,' every night. I don't know what was reruns and what was new.
I always wear sunglasses and often a panama hat, even if I'm just walking in the park, if the sun is hot.
In my sick brain, gruesome violence and comedy go as hand-to-hand together as anything else in the world.
It is always exciting when you find someone who is really enthusiastic about being half of a comedy team.
The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so.
A lot of people say it's cathartic to cook, and I'm like, 'How is it cathartic washing all these dishes?'
And of course you are mad, if by a madman we mean a mind that questions and rejects every civilized norm.
Families where there is not much laughter I think are signs of some sort of dysfunctionality or sickness.
As children everyone thinks their family is weird and they're upset by the weirdness of their own family.