Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Children are the most honest critics. They will say "You're funny", but also "You're pathetic - go away."
Children are the most honest critics. They will say 'You're funny', but also 'You're pathetic - go away.'
San Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.
We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.
John Cleese once told me he'd do anything for money. So I offered him a pound to shut up, and he took it.
I will jump on anybody's private plane at the drop of a hat. I'm an old-fashioned lower-middle-class boy.
It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
I've been studying Israeli army martial arts. I now know 16 ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back.
Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning
Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in '64. He will campaign in all thirteen states.
With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.
We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!
I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.
If you come to any of my live shows, you'll see, it's very frenetic. I have the attention span of a gnat.
Los Angeles is a great place. Where else can you smell the air and see it coming at you at the same time.
Sage advice? If you're drunk, stay away from the phone. You can't get the answering machine message back.
Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.
Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.
The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do.
You might be a redneck if you have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
For me, making any kind of resolution or saying, "I'm doing this!" can only cause pain, to get very deep.
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.
I think kids in general are much more capable of understanding the idea of being transgender than adults.
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.
Comics who consider themselves 'mavericks' or think the crowd doesn't get them are normally lousy comics.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
If I disagree with someone, I let them have their say and move on. I don't want to be the one to lecture.
If you notice any of the press from when I was with the show, I would always deny it being the year 3000.
The trick is knowing what you want to do and then resolving to do everything you have to do to get there.
But Opera Man, I go, "Oh, crap! Why didn't I think of that?" Because I could sing fake opera pretty good.
But Opera Man, I go, 'Oh, crap! Why didn't I think of that?' Because I could sing fake opera pretty good.
When I'm filming a documentary, I feel like I should be the straight man, watching with a raised eyebrow.
I've always been very un-fun. I'm a habit person. I have a very weak version of an addictive personality.
Nothing unites a group more than a common enemy, be it the Soviet Union or Nasty Nick from 'Big Brother.'
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'
I try to stay away from calling people nerds or whatever, because I've got my own fetishes and interests.